Breathe. This is what I keep telling myself. In spite of my best efforts not to do crazy this Christmas, the crazy is catching up to me. It actually might have overcome me. I might even be buried in it.
Breathe is what I say when I find a form that was supposed to be filled out and returned last week to school. Oops.
Breathe is what I say when a holidazed woman almost runs over me with her cart in Target.
Breathe is what I say when I almost run over someone else with my cart.
Breathe is what I say when the Alien Conquest Lego set I really wanted to buy for James is sold out. I might have said something else too...something a little less Zen. Thankfully there were other Alien Conquest Lego sets. And, I'm pretty sure he isn't picky when it comes to aliens and conquests.
Breathe is what I say when two of my three children are sprawled out on the floor of Sears, at the head of a very long line of tired, not so happy looking customers (who could maybe use a little breathing themselves), screaming at me and refusing to stand up to exit the store. Breathe and Santa is watching...
Because every single second of my day seems to be accounted for lately, Breathe is what I say when someone asks me to do something I wasn't planning to do. I wonder how I'll fit it in.
Breathe is what I say when I look around a table where my dad should be sitting, but isn't. I try to catch my breath as the reality of his absence soaks in. Again. I thought that the second Christmas season without my dad wouldn't be so bad. But it is. I really miss him. The holidays seem even emptier this year. Maybe last year it still felt like he might come walking through the door? This year, there is no question that he is gone. I wonder if he would recognize that three year-old daughter of mine, who had just turned two the month before he died. Would he love her sass? Is he laughing his ass off up in heaven? What would he say when I told him that I was singing Christmas carols with my kids and James stopped us to run upstairs to get his guitar to accompany us? What would he think when I told him that Alexander said, "I think Nature should make an award for our neighborhood because it is just so pretty. This whole town is just so pretty!" last night as we drove home (from Sears!?!) My dad loved strong, spunky girls and women. He loved to share his passion for music and guitar-playing with James. He loved Nature and he loved those who also loved and respected it. He would be loving all of this. Breathe...
A few weeks ago, in the midst of an extremely stressful work week, I yelled to my husband, "Don't forget to breathe!" as he walked out the door. He told me that was good advice. I think it is too. At the yoga center where I practice, the instructors say that breathing is the only function of the body that is both voluntary and involuntary. I am so thankful for that because sometimes I think I go days without breathing. That must be when the involuntary breathing kicks in. For me, these are quick, shallow breaths, pumping themselves in and out just to keep me alive.
The voluntary breaths are different. These are life-giving breaths. There is a difference, you know - between doing something to stay alive and doing something that makes you feel alive. These voluntary breaths nourish me. Try one. Mouth closed, inhale through your nose. Suck in as much air as you can, and then a little bit more. Now let it out. Slowly. Again, but with your eyes closed this time. And again. Do you feel more alive? Maybe a little tingly? If even for just a moment, these voluntary breaths bring us smack, dab into the present moment. These are the breaths I keep telling myself to take. Before my mind runs off into crazy, or mouth runs off into God only knows where. These breaths keep me right here, right now in the perfection of all these seemingly imperfect moments.
Deep breath. Ahh. For you, in the crazy of your days and even in the calm, I offer this great advice: don't forget to breathe!
Breathe is what I say when I find a form that was supposed to be filled out and returned last week to school. Oops.
Breathe is what I say when a holidazed woman almost runs over me with her cart in Target.
Breathe is what I say when I almost run over someone else with my cart.
Breathe is what I say when the Alien Conquest Lego set I really wanted to buy for James is sold out. I might have said something else too...something a little less Zen. Thankfully there were other Alien Conquest Lego sets. And, I'm pretty sure he isn't picky when it comes to aliens and conquests.
Breathe is what I say when two of my three children are sprawled out on the floor of Sears, at the head of a very long line of tired, not so happy looking customers (who could maybe use a little breathing themselves), screaming at me and refusing to stand up to exit the store. Breathe and Santa is watching...
Because every single second of my day seems to be accounted for lately, Breathe is what I say when someone asks me to do something I wasn't planning to do. I wonder how I'll fit it in.
Breathe is what I say when I look around a table where my dad should be sitting, but isn't. I try to catch my breath as the reality of his absence soaks in. Again. I thought that the second Christmas season without my dad wouldn't be so bad. But it is. I really miss him. The holidays seem even emptier this year. Maybe last year it still felt like he might come walking through the door? This year, there is no question that he is gone. I wonder if he would recognize that three year-old daughter of mine, who had just turned two the month before he died. Would he love her sass? Is he laughing his ass off up in heaven? What would he say when I told him that I was singing Christmas carols with my kids and James stopped us to run upstairs to get his guitar to accompany us? What would he think when I told him that Alexander said, "I think Nature should make an award for our neighborhood because it is just so pretty. This whole town is just so pretty!" last night as we drove home (from Sears!?!) My dad loved strong, spunky girls and women. He loved to share his passion for music and guitar-playing with James. He loved Nature and he loved those who also loved and respected it. He would be loving all of this. Breathe...
A few weeks ago, in the midst of an extremely stressful work week, I yelled to my husband, "Don't forget to breathe!" as he walked out the door. He told me that was good advice. I think it is too. At the yoga center where I practice, the instructors say that breathing is the only function of the body that is both voluntary and involuntary. I am so thankful for that because sometimes I think I go days without breathing. That must be when the involuntary breathing kicks in. For me, these are quick, shallow breaths, pumping themselves in and out just to keep me alive.
The voluntary breaths are different. These are life-giving breaths. There is a difference, you know - between doing something to stay alive and doing something that makes you feel alive. These voluntary breaths nourish me. Try one. Mouth closed, inhale through your nose. Suck in as much air as you can, and then a little bit more. Now let it out. Slowly. Again, but with your eyes closed this time. And again. Do you feel more alive? Maybe a little tingly? If even for just a moment, these voluntary breaths bring us smack, dab into the present moment. These are the breaths I keep telling myself to take. Before my mind runs off into crazy, or mouth runs off into God only knows where. These breaths keep me right here, right now in the perfection of all these seemingly imperfect moments.
Deep breath. Ahh. For you, in the crazy of your days and even in the calm, I offer this great advice: don't forget to breathe!
That's great Anna. I was all stressed out yesterday about wrapping, getting my packages out on time, cleaning the house, doing a bunch of PTA work, etc. and then I thought, okay, if I didn't do x y or z the world wouldn't fall apart. And then I thought about my friends who are still mourning the loss of their beautiful 3-year-old daughter, and I tried to put things in perspective. It's just Christmas, it's just PTA stuff, it's just my house, etc. Your mourning is probably also a part of your stress, which I can't even imagine, but it's always helpful to think about breathing and putting things in perspective - thank you!
ReplyDeleteLove your post here... and I am glad to report that with our recent move we are breathing... deeply! We got settled into the new house just in time and are taking it easy this whole month of December. We will breathing in just us (4 humans and 3 animals), our new surroundings, and worship in a God who is so amazing that He has kept us together through our past year-year and a half.
ReplyDeleteGod's blessings wished for you and your family this Christmas and always!!! (And you KNOW you're dad is laughing and smiling and still loving you all!!!)